What My Daughter's Second Grade Classroom Taught Me About Finding a College That Believes in Your Neurodiverse Student

The Question Families of Neurodiverse Students Forget to Ask

My daughter has always been a strong reader. In second grade, that became a liability.

Her teacher was new and motivated, yet being asked to do far too much — including absorbing an entire second-grade class mid-year when the other teacher quit. The classroom transformed into chaos. Other students were throwing chairs. Reverse evacuations became routine. And in the middle of all of it, my daughter quietly met her benchmarks without complaint.

Which meant that the school stopped paying attention to her.

Eventually, this led to a meeting with the administration and the school's instructional coach. I told them she wasn't being challenged, and what was worse to me was that she was being defaulted into the helper role that girls are so often put into, supporting the struggling readers in the class instead of being pushed toward more complex text herself. I said it plainly in that meeting: she is not here to assist. She is here to grow.

I'm glad I advocated for her, but it was also exhausting that we had to do so.

The Question Every Family Asks When They Schedule a Consult

This week, I had three separate intake conversations with families of neurodiverse students — one whose son is gifted and autistic, one whose daughter's processing speed makes writing essays significantly more time-consuming, and one whose child needs strong executive functioning support alongside a school where her interests can genuinely flourish.

All three families were asked me versions of the same question.

How will you find schools that will support my child?

It is the right question. For families of students with autism, ADHD, anxiety, executive functioning challenges, or learning differences, the quality of a college's support infrastructure can make or break the experience. Not every school is created equal in this area. Some have robust, proactive disability services offices with dedicated staff, peer coaching, and structured check-ins. Others have an impressive website and a single coordinator who is stretched incredibly thin.

Knowing the difference matters. And most families have no framework for figuring it out.

So yes — ask this question to me and throughout the process. Ask about it on campus visits. Ask it of current students, not just admissions officers. Ask what happens when a student is struggling in October of their freshman year and needs more support than they anticipated. Ask who picks up the phone.

But there is a second question. And families never ask me it.

The Question Most Families Don't Ask About Finding a College for Their Neurodiverse Student

When my daughter's school defaulted to using her as a classroom helper, they weren't being malicious. They were overwhelmed, under-resourced, and reaching for the easiest solution available to them. My daughter was capable, compliant, and not failing any benchmarks. From a systems perspective, she didn't register as a need.

That is exactly what can happen to neurodiverse students at the wrong college.

A student who is autistic and also deeply gifted in mathematics, or a student with ADHD who is a genuinely original writer, or a student with executive functioning challenges who has an extraordinary capacity for visual thinking — these students can find themselves at schools that are so focused on managing what's hard that they never invest in what's exceptional.

The support office is staffed. The accommodations are in place. The student is meeting their benchmarks.

And nobody is pushing them.

The second question families need to ask is this: will this school recognize what my student is capable of at their best — and build an environment where that can grow?

This is not a question about prestige. A highly ranked university is not automatically a place where a neurodiverse student will be seen clearly or challenged meaningfully. And a smaller, less well-known school might offer exactly the faculty engagement, the academic culture, and the community where a student's particular kind of mind finally feels at home.

The question always comes back to fit.

What Strength-Based College Fit Actually Looks Like

So what should families be looking for when they ask the second question?

It looks different for every student — which is part of why this work requires a real conversation, not a ranking list.

But here are the areas worth paying attention to:

1. Academic programs that align with your student's genuine interests and abilities. What lights them up, and where they have demonstrated capacity. A student who is exceptional in one area deserves to be somewhere that takes that area seriously.

2. Faculty accessibility and engagement. For many neurodiverse students, the relationship with a professor or mentor can be transformative. Small class sizes, office hours that are genuinely available, faculty who are known for caring about undergraduates — these details matter, and they should be asked about directly.

3. A community where your student's kind of mind is valued. Some campuses have cultures that are naturally more accepting of neurodiversity, more curious about unconventional thinkers, and more comfortable with students who don't fit a single mold. This is harder to quantify but very possible to feel on a visit — and to ask current students about directly.

4. Opportunities for depth, not just breadth. Research programs, independent study, internships, project-based learning — structures that allow a student to go deep into something they care about rather than skimming across a series of requirements.

These don't replace the support systems that need to be in place, but they sit alongside them.

How to Hold Both Questions at Once

The right school for your neurodiverse student is one that sees the whole picture. The areas where they need scaffolding and the areas where they need to be pushed. The support that will help them stay stable and the opportunities that will help them grow. These are not competing priorities. They are two sides of the same question: what does this student need to thrive?

When you find a school that can answer both sides of that question — where the disability services office is genuinely resourced and the academic culture genuinely values what your student brings — you will feel it. It will not feel like settling. It will feel like fit.

That is what I help families find. Not the most prestigious school on the list. Not the school with the longest support services webpage. The school where your student will be seen clearly, supported fully, and challenged to become who they are capable of becoming.

If this resonated with you, my College Compass Program was built for exactly this. It's my flagship offering for families of neurodiverse students who want more than a college list — they want a guide who will ask the right questions, cut through the noise, and find the school that sees their student whole. Book a free introductory call here, and let's start with your student's story.

Because here is what fifteen years of working with students has taught me: the schools that are right for your child exist. Finding them just requires knowing what you are actually looking for.